I can safely say, that I am now the closest to suicidal that I’ve been since I actually tried to take my own life. I’ve lost all motivation, to stream, to write, to work on the website. I’ve struggled with this in the past, but usually I would stumble for a time, but get it back. Now however it’s a struggle to stay motivated for more than even a week or two. I’ve been drinking way too much (like a scary amount), and just floating in depression, anxiety, even my manic stages are barely functional.
The crux of it was when I had a mental break and ended up not showing up for the flight to go to my sister’s. The one thing I can generally enjoy I was dreading so much I completely fell apart. While I didn’t actually hurt myself this is a pretty low point for me. I am sure it was also a slap in the face for my sister and brother-in-law. These last months, more months than is healthy, just… I have no words.
I am quitting drinking for awhile, possibly forever. I started using it as a crutch, and now it’s just gone overboard.
Next will be something I did after I first attempted to harm myself. Insane goal setting. Not insane as in hard goals, that defeats the purpose, and just overwhelms myself. No, insane as in setting everything as a goal… and I do mean almost everything.
We found this worked for me once because I was tightly wound and being able to make a list and cross things off made me feel good. Don’t tease me, it worked for me, for a long time it worked fairly well. Things like actual work, to self care issues, to things that make me feel better emotionally.
For awhile this routine worked well for me, and eventually I didn’t have to keep a list to keep me on point. However, it started falling apart longer ago than I care to admit. I would have points, months, even longer, where I had things together. However it’s been a problem for far too long.
I suppose this might be an overshare for a blog, but I guess I needed to get it off my mind.