I think there is a universal truth that I have admitted, but not truthfully. Not enough to actually allow it to really shape my life and my priorities.
I want to do well at Twitch. I want to work harder. I want to see my community grow, and be a better streamer. I want to actually give it 100% inside of this back and forth, but never truly giving it my all.
I will never choose Twitch over my writing however. If I end up getting to a good point in writing, and know it might negatively impact my ability to stream I will keep writing. If forced to choose tomorrow to only do one or the other I wouldn’t even think about it.
I have “said” this but I don’t think that’s really enough at times. It’s something I’ve needed to admit to my own self, and really acknowledge. Also acknowledge that means that I will always have a road block between myself and twitch, and know that I have to work with it. When I make a choice to stay up all night because I am working on a story, I have to accept that it might mean that I will miss a stream, and doing so will negatively impact it. I can’t keep making choices to pick writing over twitch, then be upset when I am forced to face the consequences of those choices.
None of what I am saying really means much to the viewers. I will still try to be better at streaming (now that I am back) than I was before. I will still randomly cancel one, two, or even many streams when something is happening in my writing. I will still suffer as a direct result of that. I can change my attitude about this reality however.
I can embrace that I’ve made a choice, and it will make my journey as a streamer harder, but not impossible. Instead of letting it get me down, I have to keep my head held eye and move forward. I want to be a better streamer, so I will be. I control my attitude, and how negative I allow myself to get.