So my sister finished reading this draft of my novel and we got to talking. She had some solid suggestions, but our conversation snowballed. As a direct result, I had decided to change a large number of things. On the one hand this is great. It has me really excited to push forward with this draft. It should prove to be very positive for my novel overall, and help me going forward with follow ups.
On the other hand, here comes the great depression/anxiety train. Why didn’t I think of these ideas in the first place? Will this novel actually ever finish? If I am at this stage changing important plot line will that slow down finishing to another year or so? Can I handle it taking that long after so long? Is it even worth it to keep going forward?
I hate that I can never just embrace the positive feelings. I was very jazzed up to make these changes, excited to work on the novel again instead of just trudging through. Yet I can never just be happy. I can never just be positive. I always have to beat myself up and see a million problems when something good comes along.
It’s frankly exhausting.
I am tired. I am tired of anxiety. I am tired of being manic depressive. I am tired of being my own worst enemy. I am tired of holding myself back. I am tired of feeling too old to push forward but then not doing anything to prevent another year from passing the same. I am just tired.
This post took a different direction than I had planned. It’s the reality of my life and some days it just creeps up on me. Despite my exhaustion, I am not willing to give up. Not now.
I will let these lows roll off my back and embrace the positive changes I can make to what will hopefully be a finished novel very soon.