Banging My Head Against A Wall

I’ve become so disappointed in myself lately. I am just repeating my same bullshit, running in circles, and preventing myself from ever moving forward and accomplishing anything. I am sick of it. How many times I have I written this exact same blog post? I am making small improvements, and I know I should give myself credit for those, but it’s not enough. This month is almost over and I have not done nearly enough.

I allowed myself to be pulled down already and so quickly. I was so TIRED after my time with my family. I loved it but it was so emotionally draining that I kept saying, “I just need a few more days”. By the time those days passed our cat had to be put down and I just lost it. When I started picking up the pieces from losing the cat I realized how much time I had already wasted and let myself be dragged into a pit.

I was talking to Ben the other day about shocks to the system, and I feel that is what I am in need of. I have tried to see the value in baby steps and changes, and there really is… but I think I need a big shock. To make massive and difficult changes at least for a little while. To force myself out of this cycle, even if it’s in a slightly “violent” way.

Or maybe this is just part of my same circle of bullshit. I suppose thinking that makes it all the more likely it will be though…

I am going to push hard this year. Push hard on writing, and hopefully push hard on twitch… I just need to start doing it instead of this same thing over, and over, and over again. Or I just need to give up. I don’t want to do that but the longer I wait the more it’s becoming my only option.

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