As some of you may or may not know I am turning 30 this year. In fact a lot of people probably don’t know because I make it a point to avoid saying the age 30 as much as possible. In fact even as I am writing this I am getting anxious and upset about the idea of sharing it. It’s this extreme self imposed negativity that I have given myself and it’s down right toxic. I am constantly thinking of all the things I can’t do once I turn 30.
Am I too old to really try to make it on twitch?
To try to make it as a writer?
To be involved in the gaming world as much as I am? The nerd world in general?
Too old to put myself out there?
Too old to connect with people?
Too old to reach for any number of goals?
I do this too myself constantly, I have done this too myself since about 25. Giving myself a longer and longer list of things I cannot do, that I will be too old to do. That somehow my dreams, goals, and passions die at 30 because it just seems so old.
It is at least partially related to a post I did awhile back about comparing myself to other people. There accomplishments by x age vs the things I’ve accomplished. It is also just another arbitrary limitation I have put on myself as a way to discourage myself from trying. Another excuse to give up before putting out the effort. Another senseless reason to hate myself. I don’t understand why I insist on defaulting to negativity in just everything. I wonder if this is a natural state and other people simply try harder to overcome it?
Either way I need to acknowledge that my life is not ending at 30. Some chances may have passed me by, others are just opening up to me. The only thing 30 really changes is what I allow it to change. If I allow it to stop me from trying then turning 30 will be a negative thing in my life. But I am responsible for that, not my age, only me.
So much of my life has been negative reinforcement. From outside influences to myself. I try to “better” myself by being negative to myself, and that is just never going to work. I need to change that. I need to force myself to think positively and force myself to reward myself instead of just punish myself. To that end you might be seeing a lot of posts on this blog, on facebook, twitter, anywhere else. Posts about the positive things that have happened in my life as a result of aging, instead of just my dread. I hope that these might have a positive impact for other people, but I am also going to selfishly acknowledge that I need them to have a positive impact on myself.
So here’s to kicking ass these next months leading up to my 30th, and to continue to kick ass once my birthday finally rolls around.