A few weeks ago I wrote a blog piece about dreading the fact that I am turning 30 this summer and how the number one thing I need to change is my perception on this event. That like many things, my own negativity, is what is holding me back and so I need to attempt to be more positive. To that end I thought I would write a list about some things that have changed for the better with age. I also hope to follow this list up with others as I reflect more on this change in my life. Some of these are things that have been building for years, some are more recent, all I consider to be good things.
-I am no longer as passive aggressive. I’ve learned when to stand up for myself or when to simply walk away from a situation. I do not attempt to manipulate people’s responses anymore so that they can discover that they’ve upset me.
-I am less inclined to take people’s disrespect.
-I have gotten better at understanding when to cut toxic people from my life. Also at understanding that growing distant is something that just happens and does end some friendships.
-While I still struggle with “I’m too old to do x” sometimes, I am progressively developing more of a “fuck it, if I want to do it I am going to do it” attitude.
-I rarely have to defend my actions to other people. This one is a mixed bag as it’s something that I don’t think I should have ever had to do, but it is what it is. One solid example is my choice to not have children, it’s only been in recent years that I’ve stopped hearing “well wait until you’re older you will change your mind”. What do you know I am older and still fine with being childless.
-I no longer want to scream my individuality from the roof tops. Whether it was my “I’m not like other girls” phase (terrible phase btw), or “I’m not like other people my age” or “I’m not like other ‘insert example here’”. Yes I am. Human beings are only so unique. A million other people enjoy the same things I do, are passionate about the things I am, have similar personality traits. This is a good thing not something to rebel against. It means I can be me but still find/enjoy like minded people. Of course I am proud of the things that make me me, but it doesn’t have to be some sort of shield.
-My writing has improved greatly. If I had become a successful author when I was much younger I would not be proud of some of the things I had put out there.
-I am getting better at choosing my battles.
-As with most people, each passing year my thoughts and feelings are more of my own and less a reflection of those around me. Like many people when I was young my beliefs were largely my family’s, then they became my friend’s, now they are just… mine.
-I no longer feel pressured to attempt to enjoy things that I just don’t, and I feel less shame for the things I do enjoy. So, on the pressured to enjoy things, I think this is something a lot of people go through. As someone in the “nerd culture” , or however you wish to refer to it, I always felt like I needed to make myself try and enjoy certain things because all nerds did. No. Not only that but I embrace the things I do like and am unapologetic about it.
-I’ve long since learned to stop finding my confidence in putting others down.
-And yet… I am no longer afraid to be a bit of a bitch if need be.
I am a writer and streamer by trade. A gamer, reader, and all around nerd by hobby ;)