I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but lately I’ve been getting a lot of what I term “dead brain days”. I find it impossible to write because I lack inspiration or motivation. I find little enjoyment in things that I normally like. It’s hard for me to talk to people because I am unable to fully pay attention and respond. I don’t simply want to sit around, but nothing I can think to do appeals on any level. I find the idea of streaming overwhelming because as I said I am not enjoying things, but also because I don’t feel like I can tap into my personality. I look around and see the things I need to do, but am slower at getting them done. It’s not really depression, that has more behind it. It’s more like a half state of being. Nothing is upsetting, but it just simply is. I can’t even get frustrated because that involves more feeling than I am able to tap into. I simply float through the day wishing I could do more. Get anything done, work better, feel more.
I often waste these days trying different things to snap out of it. Maybe if I drink? Maybe tea? Maybe work around the house? Maybe force myself into a project? I expel all my energy trying to get out of this state and rarely am able to do so. Even this blog post is an attempt to get myself out of it, hoping that reflecting on it will help me tap into whatever I need to do better.
I can see the reason behind them. They usually hit right after I go through a manic or depressive state, almost as though it’s my body and mind recharging. They can also come on the tail end of my period. It’s no less upsetting though. They are often completely wasted days and can even last more than one, and I hate them. I end up feeling like I have to play catch up after they pass which stresses me out, which is more likely to trigger other negative reactions from myself.
It seems the only true response is to simply not let them overcome me. At least attempt to do some small amount of work while they hit, hard though it may be. And when it passes acknowledge that it wasn’t great but it’s time to move forward instead of allowing myself to wallow about it. Still… I hate these “brain dead days”. I hate how hard it is for me to do anything with writing or twitch, and how slow I am at just normal everyday tasks. They are days where I just can’t find joy, and the emptiness that comes with it is troubling. I will be grateful that it’s not like true depression however.