I think I can’t write so I can’t write. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, so many of them are. The more you tell yourself a certain outcome is going to happen, the more you drive it that way. I tell myself over and over that I can’t write. I delete drafts because they suck, and I can’t acknowledge all first drafts do. I sit paralyzed and crippled, while oh so desperate to get my ideas from my head to “paper”. I convince myself that I need outside influences to get in the right “zone”, so I freeze up when I don’t have them.
What I tell myself as far as my ability to write is the reason I can’t write. When I actually sit down and manage to work I work so fast. The problem is I slow myself down to such a snail speed that it’s self defeating. Then because I am not producing work fast enough I get more stressed, heap more on myself.
I’ve made it impossible for me to produce at the level that I need to be producing at.
It’s not just that I simply don’t try. I do give up more easily than I should, and don’t set enough hours aside for writing, I will admit that. However, it’s also that I get myself so in my head about writing that I can’t just let go and do it. I start to over think, get nervous, have panic attacks. My negativity and self doubt destroys my ability to produce, and thus confirms my negativity and doubt. If you tell yourself over and over that you can’t, you won’t. You stop giving it your best which produces sub par results which in turn confirms the negative doubts, creating a cycle by in which you quit.
I’ve created that cycle for myself. I do write, but not on the level that I should and with the consistency that I can and need to. I desperately need to reset this attitude and make writing about writing again, instead of what it’s become.
My best work is done when I just… create… My best work has been rare, and I need to stop that. I need to stop defeating myself before I’ve begun.
This will take many steps, but without a doubt, one of them is my attitude.