I have had mixed feelings about whether or not to do anything for my 30th birthday. One of the major reasons I have felt drawn to doing anything is that I’ve always had mixed feelings about my birthday. As a child it was hard to make birthday parties happen. My birthday was in the summer, a lot of my friends were traveling, normally things would fall apart. The “biggest” party I can ever remember having was one in which my little step sister invited half the people that attended. Now I didn’t mind that she did this, but just to point out. Aside from that every time I tried to have a birthday party it ended with only a few people being able to show up and my being disappointed.
At some point I kind of just stopped trying. Even as I got older it was still hard to make something happen. In college people were still traveling, and after college birthday parties in general are hard to make happen. It’s just not the way that life works. At this point many of my irl friends have moved on. Some literally, others in a more figurative sense. That is not to say I don’t have friends and that we don’t care about each other. I do and we do. It is hard to get people together.
On the other hand, I feel like I need to do something and something that is a celebration. If only because I have dreaded this birthday for so long and have turned it into such a negative in my mind. It’s become (as I have shared) proof that things are over, that I am a failure, and all manner of ridiculous notions that I should not be dwelling on. Things that I have been actively trying NOT to dwell on. As such doing something positive might be nice. It might help me with the mindset and be a reminder that 30 is just another birthday. It’s just an age, and my attitude alone determines what happens with the next 30 years of my life.
I don’t know, maybe I might try to see if friends can get together. Maybe I will just do a stream and embrace moving forward. Maybe I will spend the whole night writing. Like many reflections I post on this blog I certainly haven’t come to a conclusion yet. Maybe thinking about it has already made it a bigger issue than it needs to be.