Lately I have become obsessed with growing things and wanting a yard. It’s reached the point that I have narrowed even my focus on where Ben and I might live on places with a yard. I find myself struggling to explain why I want this, and if it’s even a valid way to feel. There are a number of reasons for this, but they all eventually boil down to one thing. I want projects that have me outside.
My “jobs” are this blog, my creative writing, freelance writing, and twitch (though that has been suffering). These things keep me inside, and keep me away from things that are alive. Now I find nothing wrong with being a person that doesn’t need/enjoy the outdoors. However, I have found that I so desperately miss it that I can’t stand it.
I want something that gets me outside. I want something that requires me to be physical. I want something that has me around living things. Not only do I want plants and grass, but I also want to look into growing vegetables, and raising chickens.
I know it’s hard work, but that is a huge part of what appeals to me. My life has become screens and sitting and being indoors. I want… no, I need something else. I feel like part of me will remain broken until I get this. I can’t fix all aspects of my life without changing things, and this is something that I want to change that I know will have positive results.
Working outside can have great benefits to depression. No, I am not one of those people that believes that it’s a cure for depression. However it can be helpful. I know moving around and doing physical work would be good for my physically, and my weight, and health. I also know that I simply like being outside. I like the idea of having an area to have my friends over and chilling outside. I like the idea of being able to be proud of a project outdoors. I like the idea of having this extra space that offers something that nothing else does. I like the idea of having something different from the stuff I normally do.
But then I start to wonder if this is valid. Is this something that I need to make such a priority. I start to feel guilty when I want to say “no, I won’t be happy unless I have a bigger yard”. It tears me up to know this is how I feel, and that I feel it so deeply it almost cuts. Yet, not knowing if I should allow this feeling to be so strong. Maybe I should fight it, to look for different things, to turn my eye elsewhere.
Yet I can’t help that this is how I feel…