I wrote a short blog post about how discouraged I’ve been lately. It was self indulgent and mostly about how I felt I was barely holding my grip from slipping into another dark spell. It was true, but I realized it was also unhelpful. I am discouraged. I am not writing as much or as well as I want to be. I am trying, but more often than not I end up just writing short amounts, most of it ending up trashed. It took me weeks to get my Thimbleweed Park impressions out when I had beaten the game for the first time a while ago. I hate that feeling. I hate fighting against myself. I hate that I feel like I haven’t progressed enough.
I also hate that I submit to it. I hate that I beat myself up and let the discouraged feelings take over. After spending the day working on a lot of different things I ended up writing some. Not a lot, and not at the rate I needed to, but some. I thought about it and analyzed what I have been doing, and ended up deleting the blog. Yes, I am discouraged, but focusing on that only makes me feel more discouraged. There is only so much one person can do, and only so much I can fight against.
I need to allow myself to be positive and allow myself to come back from these rough patches slowly. I can’t go from depressed and not writing at all, to feeling great and writing a great amount. It takes time to build up, and if I don’t allow myself to build up I never will.
Feeling discouraged is one thing, submitting to it is something else entirely. I am not submitting to it. I am discouraged, but I will fight it. I can do better but I am doing okay, and that’s the first step. The second is not to beat myself up and push myself back down. I am discouraged by my lack of writing, but am encouraged by my attempts to challenge these feelings in a more positive and productive way.