So not too long ago I was babysitting my mother’s dogs, and one of them went on a bit of a warpath. He has a thing about plants, and in a just a short amount of time he managed to almost completely destroy mine. He dug a lot out, broke pots, spilled soil everywhere (wasting a lot of it), and eating the plants so that just saving them wasn’t possible.
I found myself ridiculously upset over this. I cried a little, raged a lot, and shut down. I know it seems silly, but there was something very important about it to me. I made a lot of goals for myself at the start of the year and I have pretty much failed at all of them, all but one. I got myself a nice collection of plants, and I worked hard to keep them alive. I’ve never had much of a green thumb, but I really and truly wanted it to work this time. There is something therapeutic about growing something, and it’s nice to be surrounded by some life. I looked down at my destroyed plants and realized that the one goal I had really stuck too was now lying dead all over my backyard.
I was clearly being overly dramatic and eventually got over it. I saved what I could and vowed to just new plants to replace those I couldn’t. The pots… I’m still a bit upset over as pots are not cheap. For the most part I realized how overly dramatic I was being.
So why share this story? It doesn’t paint me in the best light.
I think the reason why is to help people gain a little more understanding of what makes me tick. I am the type of person that looks at destroyed plants, and projects what seems to me as 30 years of failures on to them. I realize this is not the most healthy approach to life, and frankly it’s something I struggle to control. I can look at a text from a friend or family member and not only see things that aren’t there, but see every mistake in my life I’ve ever made socially. I am very easily pushed towards extremely dramatic, unhealthy, and depressing reasoning.
I didn’t fail with the plants. I kept them alive for a lot longer than I had in the past and grew them very well. The fact that some were able to survive is only a result of my doing such a good job with them. It was very hard for me to come around to this though, or to simply dismiss it as “damn I lost some plants guess I gotta start over”.
When people say things like “well just think more positively” or “just be happy” or “stop being so dramatic” I don’t think they realize what a struggle it can be at times. It’s not normal to react so largely to something so small, but it’s something I struggle with every day. The slightest thing can set me off, send me over the edge, make me spiral. Of course trying to actively be more positive is part of it, but it’s not a magic cure all. It’s not a fix to what is a complex and ultimately more than a little bit messed up mind. My anxiety, my depression, my insecurities, everything about me that exists in that dark place of mine, can and will be projected onto random situations without my even realizing it until I am in too deep.
I am getting better, but there is still a long road ahead. I am still a person that can look at some destroyed plants and nearly spiral towards a breakdown. I will keep working though. I will work to be stronger mentally, be more stable emotionally, and improve my life in many ways. I will fight to be more positive and learn to control this random projection I do. It’s a long road, a lifetime in length in fact, but one I can’t afford not to travel.