This is going to be a struggle for me to get out… I think for a lot of people there is an assumption that depression is sadness. Of course, sadness is part of depression, I want no one to think that I am denying that. However, my low points are not always sad points.
There are times where I am overwhelmed by sadness. It is soul crushing, deep, and feels inescapable. I see everything in the bleakest way possible. The loathing I feel for myself, the world, and things around me are almost suffocating. I think most people understand that and assume that it is all depression really is.
There are times, however, where I am not really sad, but rather numb. I can’t focus. I can’t tap into my brain. I struggle to even think at times. It feels like I am completely disconnected from myself, from the world, from my emotions. I am not sad during these times, I basically feel nothing. It is like walking through a fog where I can’t connect to anything. I can’t write, I can’t stream, I can’t blog, I can’t even be bothered to get out of bed most of the time.
Both are crippling, but they are very different experiences. When I am not sad I often assume that it means I am not going through a depressive state. Yet I will start to get numb, listless, and it makes me feel broken and less than human. I myself get caught up in the notion that in order to be in depression I must experience sadness, and so I am not sure what to do with the times where I don’t.
I wouldn’t want to belittle the experiences of anybody else, but sometimes I actually prefer the sadness. It’s painful, heartbreaking, and drives me to bad places in my mind… yet at least I feel something. Without feeling, without motivation, without anything I just can’t seem to do anything.
I don’t like walking around in a fog.
I don’t like not being able to tap into my creativity at all.
I don’t like feeling like nothing in life can bring me any sort of pleasure.
I don’t like that I will simply sit and stare at a wall without even noticing that time is going by.
I don’t like worrying that I will never tap back into being human again.
It feels a lot more difficult to snap myself of these places.
I think I started this simply trying to get the words out of my mind, and have realized that maybe it’s had more of a negative impact on me than I imagined. If I had to bring this back around, and take it away from dwelling and spiraling, it would be this; Depression is not just sadness. There are so many other aspects to it, and those come with their own problems and weigh on you in their own way. Be aware of those other symptoms and don’t ignore them, they have the potential to spiral just as much as sadness.
This is odd having this note at the end. I am not a mental health professional nor do I pretend to be one. My posts come from my own experience, and I urge anyone that is struggling greatly to seek out help from professional sources. I do believe that being open and honest about our struggles with mental health can be helpful, for ourselves and others, which is why I do posts like these.
I am a writer and streamer by trade. A gamer, reader, and all around nerd by hobby ;)