If you follow me on social media, and/or have been following this blog for awhile, you have probably noticed at least a few things about my attempts to be more positive. This is something I have needed to work on for years. I am exceptionally easy to push into negativity holes where I just brood and get depressed over everyone and everything. Beyond that, I am also not the most positive when it comes to other people. I am the type of person that will list off all the things I hated about something before the things I liked. I used to get super judgmental about what others were doing. I also just put out my negativity to others. Early in the year, I lost a friendship because I blew my temper and in a negative rage said awful things to people.
So I have been trying.
Trying to focus on what I like first. Trying to find the good in things. Trying to put out good vibes to the world and not bad. And when I do have to point out something I find to be problematic trying not to be so hateful about it and more careful with my words.
It has been a mixed bag. There have been moments where I will slip and become negative, judgmental, bitchy, or any combination of things. There have also been things that are truly upsetting to me that there is no “positive” spin on, nor would I wish to pretend there is.
Steps have been made though, and changes have happened. It’s something I have been working on for awhile, but I felt I saw greater strides this year than I have in the past.
There is one glaring area where there has been basically no progress though, and that’s positivity when it comes to myself.
Everyone is hard on themselves; I get that. I am brutal to myself though, and I haven’t gotten much better. This was highlighted for me today when I got an email about getting some money for one of my works. My knee-jerk reaction was not good. I wrote my husband a snarky text about how little it would be and how little it mattered. My husband’s response was “but little or not it means more people are reading it right?” This thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. The idea to respond to this email with some positivity didn’t occur to me because it just doesn’t register that way for me.
Instead of thinking, “Wow, someone else must have bought something of mine, that’s great,” I went straight to, “Well, if I were worth anything as a writer I would be getting these emails more often.”
This cannot continue.
I will always be down on myself to an extent. However, if I am going to make “be more positive” a priority for the rest of the world than it needs to be for myself too. I can’t hold on to all this internal ugliness and self-loathing. I have to find a way, to be honest with myself about my mistakes without beating myself up. I have to find a way to celebrate the good things that happen in my life no matter how small or large. I have to stop turning what is a sign of progress into another excuse to say, “Well, if you were better.”
So 2018 I will keep making those strides. Keep trying to put a better more positive me out there, but also try to internalize some of that and be better and more positive to myself.
As a side note, I hope this post doesn’t come off as ungrateful. I am incredibly grateful to everybody that has ever read, retweeted, bought, supported, followed, whatever. My negativity is not because I am not able to be thankful for the support others offer but rather an internal problem.