So I am back from another vacation and contemplating moving forward from this point. I have been mostly open about how I feel. I say mostly because there is always parts of my life I want to hold back, and there always will be. There is no way for me to feel comfortable laying every thought, every aspect, every detail out in the open for just anybody.
Still, the last several years have been, in the most strict of terms, complete failures. I have only put out a little effort in turning things around, and spent the rest of my energy indulging the things that are wrong. Indulging my depression, my anxiety, my tendency to over drink, my laziness, my self-defeated attitude.
I have started good projects with my writing. I have kind of put some effort into to streaming. I have sort of put energy behind this blog. I have slightly done things to help lose weight. I have occasionally quit drinking. I have set goals and been dedicated to them sometimes. I have worked on my mental health a little. You get the point.
It’s not that I have done nothing, it’s that I haven’t done nearly enough.
I have even acknowledged that fact on this very blog.
Yet certain things happen that hit me hard and make me realize what an issue this has been. Going to see my family and crying in the dressing room while getting a swimsuit because of my weight. Realizing that I have reached an age where certain dreams will never happen. Looking at the last time, I worked on a project that I was “just going to take a year or so break from.” Seeing stream friends that I used to be on par with succeeding (and to make this clear, I in no way begrudge them that. I am happy for them, I just know that I am falling behind because of my failures). Realizing how long I have had this blog and how little I have been consistent. Unchecked goals. Days where I sit and do nothing but think about how much I hate myself and wish I could just disappear. Friendships that have slipped away.
None of this is new.
All of this is my mental health and how much I indulge it.
So what does this have to do with my food journal?
Well, I want to hold myself more accountable, and I think doing a real and honest intro as to why I wanted to start doing this food journal is an excellent way to start.
I want to lose weight. Before anybody accuses me of anything or demands that “I don’t need to” stop. This is not just about my perception of how I look. This is that I know I am not as healthy as I want to be and about not being happy with how I look and feel for me.
I have put goals at the start of many of these food blogs, and I want to go more in depth with a few of them.
Drinking- I have been doing far too much of it far too frequently. I don’t plan on entirely quitting (at least not now), but I need to stop for at least several months and take control of that. I am far too old to keep drinking like I am just out of college. It’s a way of, and frankly, it’s become a habit. It is also terrible for weight loss. The drinking itself is terrible for my weight (and overall health) but the follow up to it, oversleeping and eating, is also a problem.
Working Out- I am great at bursts of going to the gym for several days then weeks of nothing. I need to be consistent.
Eating- I eat out too often, I snack on bad food too often, I tend to eat my emotions, all of this has to stop. I love to cook now I just need to do more of it and cook healthier things. I need to not keep junk in my house, and eating out needs to be something I rarely do, as a treat. I need to find a healthier outlet for depression and anxiety spikes than eating or the above-mentioned drinking. I also need to stop drinking my calories in sodas, energy drinks, etc.
Activity- I am not active enough. I don’t mean just going to the gym, but I mean on a regular basis. I want to start wearing my Fitbit more consistently and having step goals that don’t include my workouts. I need to be active every day in some way. Between streaming, writing, and my preferred hobbies I spend far too much time just sitting. This is bad.
Finding a Balance- I like to game. I like to read. I like to hang out in my bed with my husband and watch anime. I don’t like my weight. I don’t like that I am out of shape. I don’t like that I am not comfortable in my body. There needs to be a balance. A way for me to find time for more active things, but still enjoy the things I love that just have me sitting and hanging out. I need to search for that.
Happiness- Just overall I want to work on this. It’s not just weight related, but it all connects. The more I like the way I look, the better I feel. The healthier I am, the better I feel. The more I find positive ways to take control of my anxiety and depression the better I will be. My physical health and my mental health are linked. I am not trying to be one of those “work out, and you will cure your depression” people, it’s bs. There is a link though, and right now I am failing at that link.
So this food journal is going to be part of my accountability.
I am going to start taking it more seriously and sharing with you all my journey. The highs, the lows. I am going to start taking it more seriously for myself as well. To really look at what I am doing right and when I start to slip force myself to face that.
No more half-assing.
No more indulging the worst parts of my life.