So this might seem early yet as there is still a month and a half left of this year, but I’ve been thinking about this now so wanted to get some thoughts out while they were fresh. 2018 was a bad year for me. I went in thinking I was going to go guns blazing, had all kinds of goals, was trying to set up a routine, etc., etc. What actually happened was… very little.
Some of this I won’t entirely take on myself. I honestly and truthfully had one of the hardest years of my life mental/emotional health wise. While I never acted on it I had the most suicidal thoughts I have ever had (even more than the year I actually acted on it). I was easily defeated by things I used to be able to take in stride. I at several points nearly gave up on all of my dreams, and not like “oh sigh I feel sad I want to give up” but legitimately did so. My anxiety was out of hand, to the point that I could not function some days. There were some legitimate forces that I could not control.
Then there was the rest of the bullshit.
I did not get serious enough about taking better care of myself physically. I would plan and do great for a couple of weeks then do terrible for several after, even months. I ate poorly more often than not, did not work out as much as I should have, and am still drinking way too much. This is not only terrible for me physically, but it’s a drain on our money which just adds stress.
I set a very reasonable writing goal for myself, and while I made progress, I did not make nearly enough. Once again, I would do good for a while, then just stop.
I kept saying I would be more consistent with stream and this was probably my worst year ever.
I kept planning, organizing, setting up a routine, and making goals, then not pushing and fighting to make them happen.
I planned two new writing projects for the blog and did very little of the required work to get them going.
More and more I just let everything pass me by, and just did not put enough effort out.
In the past, I have tried to balance blaming myself and being easier on myself. The truth is I did accomplish some things that were important to me and did take some steps. I also, again, was fighting demons that have been much worse than they were in the past. I have the terrible habit of being very hard on myself which only causes me to do worse. My failure to recognize my successes and remind myself that when times are tough sometimes just getting out of bed is a good thing takes a toll because I set expectations for myself that just aren’t realistic with my struggles.
I cannot go too far in excusing my bad behavior. Some things do require me being tough on myself and telling myself that I fucked up.
If I want next year to be better, and I mean really better, not just more baby steps like this year, facing these hard truths is going to be required. Getting serious about getting back into therapy and doing things that have been helpful for my mental health is no longer optional. Seeing through eating better, going to the gym, and not drinking, even when it’s hard… especially when it’s hard. Staying on my writing and stream schedule so I can do more at both, and hopefully, have more success with both. Doing more than just creating goals.
I am sure this post seems harsh on myself, and in reality, it is in part. There is stuff I did manage to do, but I needed to do more. I need to be more proactive in making that happen, I need to improve myself, I need to push harder, and I need to do more than just say that.
I can’t control how bad my depression and anxiety got this year, but I can control me… and I didn’t do it enough.