So I’ve recently been working on some new methods for treating my anxiety and depression, and for the most part, they are working. They are also helping with lifestyle changes as well, which is super important for me. However, there is a degree of impatience that I find myself struggling with.
I am an instant gratification person, it’s a pretty big flaw of mine. I stop going to the gym because losing weight takes time. I stop writing because the first draft isn’t perfect. I stop streaming because numbers take awhile to grow and I get discouraged.
I like to see progress, and more than that I want to see good progress.
Life pretty much never works that way though does it? Instant gratification is only for rare exceptions, and the rest of life is all about time invested and waiting for the reward.
It’s not a matter of disliking hard work either. I don’t mind hard work in the least bit. It’s more that when I work hard and don’t see any returns for several days, weeks, months, hell even years, I start to feel like my hard work is meaningless and that I should just give up.
My cynical view of myself and my place in the world coupled with the fact that many things take a while before you start to see returns is a recipe for getting down on myself. Once I get down on myself, it is easy for me to talk myself into giving up. Once I give up, it’s nearly impossible for me to get back up.
It is something I am trying to overcome, and a mindset that I know I need to conquer.
I am not doing great as far as the changes I am making. I am not as productive as I would like to be, I still get upset more often then I’d like, I haven’t stopped my bad habits enough, there is a multitude of things that I still see as wrong.
But things are in fact better. I am starting to feel better, I am starting to be more productive, I am starting to cut back on certain things, I am more encouraged to stream even when numbers are low (though time has been an ass kicker as far as that is concerned), the individual things I want to see improved are slowly going up little by little.
I have to accept that. I have to accept that little is a good thing, but a little improvement is still an improvement. Nothing major will happen overnight, that is just not how life or mental health works.
This will take time, and hell it might not be enough. I might need to change things up or add more treatment options to my daily routine. There won’t be instant gratification.
But there will be gratification eventually.
Today I feel so-so about my improvements. In a couple of weeks, I might feel okay. A few more and good. As long as over time things keep getting better and better, I will reach a point where great is a reality. I just need to not get in my own way, I need to not get discouraged, I need to stop searching for that instant reward because it won’t come.
I need to think of my life as an experience bar, I am adding to it, and as long as I am doing that… that is enough.