In my continuing journey to finally get my mental health struggles the hell together, I’ve been thinking a lot about cycles. More specifically the unhealthy cycles that I have let rule my life for far longer than I should have. These cycles are both large and small.

The small ones tend to be related to how distracted I get and my inability to stay focused on one task for any extended periods. It will be several occurrences almost every day. Work a little, randomly get up and go do something else. Work a little, spend a while wasting time on the internet. Work a little, stop and literally stare at my walls.

I suppose these are less “cycles” and more just distractions, but it can still feel like the same revolving door of bs. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever completely stop. Simply put I can’t stay sitting and focused on one thing for too long, even when I enjoy the thing. I am forever the type of person that will give something all of my attention for about an hour or so then just walk away needlessly.

The part that I can break is how long I walk away and what I do with that time. Do I “walk” away to get on Twitter? If so that needs to go. Do I walk away to do a couple of dishes or maybe vacuum a room in the house? Because honestly as long as I keep these breaks short, it is not the worst thing in the world. What is the difference between two hours of writing and an hour of break vs. three hours of writing with an hour break just spread throughout?

I just have to remember to keep the breaks short and make sure whatever I am doing when I take them isn’t something (like Twitter) where I waste time, often get annoyed, and worst lose track of how long my break has been extended.

The harder cycles to fix, are the bigger ones. Things like doing well for a week but then tripping myself up a little and falling into a massive hole over it which only gets me off track for longer periods of time. It also leads to unhealthy physical behavior (another cycle).

I can’t always control when I stumble due to my anxiety etc. I can’t always control when I hit depression spikes. There are aspects I can control; however, ways to disrupt the cycles so that they don’t take over.

Not being so hard on myself and giving myself room to breathe and make mistakes. Realize that being a little slower in my progress than I’d like (at times) is natural and need to stay the course. Not getting mad at myself for having issues with my emotional and mental health. Taking more control of my responses to things and my behaviors. Acknowledging what I can do and do it.

I suppose I don’t know where to go with this post. Other than to say it’s something I have been reflecting on and working towards. Sometimes when I write about my mental health, it ends up being more of a free-form exercise, and I am never exactly sure how to round it out and make it a “post.”

I hope this is something I can continually do better on and work hard at.

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