This is going to be a long post, so bear with me, please.

2019 is going to go down as another failure year for me, at least in terms of streaming. There was some mild improvement over the last couple of years, but not really, and not to any degree that I deserve props for. I am still struggling with working out balance and keeping all the balls in the air. Streaming, this blog, freelance writing, my creative writing, other side things, and all of this with the biggest one, my mental health.

In April, I got new medication, and it has been an interesting ride since then. I am still working on finding a balance with taking it while trying to make lifestyle changes that will be conducive to better mental health.

Both have been going so-so.

One of the things most negatively impacted by my mental health is my streaming. It can be a struggle for me to do at times, and my needing to take breaks from it has the lovely consequence of it only getting harder in the future.

Which leads me to an important decision, and one I probably should have made a long time ago, I need to work my mental shit out before I start trying to get serious as a streamer, not at the same time.

So moving forward, I will not be quitting streaming, I have no desire to do so. But I am going to stop pretending and promising to be there on certain days or certain amounts each week, only to let you guys (and myself) down by failing to do so.

I will stream as much as I can, when I can, and in the meantime, be focusing harder on changes I need to make and working out my mental health.

I say until the end of the year to kind of take pressure off myself for the last two and half months of the year. I will check back in early 2020 and see how we are doing. I will either continue just to be more relaxed about streaming or hopefully, at that point, be more prepared to set up a schedule.

The harsh truth is this is basically how I have been streaming for years anyway. However, my failure to acknowledge it has lead me to stress about it, set expectations for streaming times, and really just let my community down overall. I keep saying I am going to do x, y, and z but am not exactly ready to live up to that, and so feel like I have let you down and for sure have let myself down.

In all honesty, very little is likely to change in terms of how much I stream and when. What will change for you guys is less of me “oh I will be there on Wednesdays” and then “well I can’t be there today because of ___”

For me, I hope that this will undo some of the stress and pressure while I try to keep working on my mental health.

It is my goal to one day not only say “I am going to take this more seriously” but actually to live up to it. I am not sure when that might be because I am not going to stress about that now.

Thank you all so much for the support over the years that I honestly never felt like I deserved. I will try to stream as much as I feel up to in the coming weeks and be as “on” as possible when I am there. I will check in down the road, and we can see how things are then.

Lots of love

Lolli

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